I love the beach. It’s a wild, romantic, mystical place with wide skies, rolling waves, and unexpected treasures like a dead seal or a half-eaten kebab. On one beach trip I met a Labrador called Bob and we got on like a house on fire. (At this point, I would like to emphasise the fact that I have never actually set a house on fire.) (Yet.) Anyway, Bob and I roamed the sands together, splashing in the shallows and sniffing random clumps of seaweed. And then we experienced the deep, primordial connection between human and dog when my human threw a ball and we brought back a dead seagull.
It was a beautiful moment. We carried it proudly between us and laid it gently at her feet – well, maybe it was on her feet – and she yelped. She jumped. She hopped from left to right. She did some funny skippy steps. For a moment I thought she’d taken up Irish dancing. Humans will react oddly to gifts sometimes. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you; it just means they can’t find the exact words to thank you.

If you find yourself on a fairly deserted beach with your human and you feel a little bored, here’s a good game to play:
Walk beside your human, lulling them into a false sense of security, and then gallop off at 90mph to someone heading in the same direction but miles away. Then walk beside this person. Ignore your human’s shouts, whistles etc, and show every sign of going off home with your new friend. Eventually, your human will run towards you. Wait until they are twenty yards away and then turn and gallop in the opposite direction towards someone miles away and walk beside them.

Once again, ignore your human’s cries, whistles etc, until they are forced to run towards you and then simply repeat the process. You can have hours of fun with this game, only stopping when you’re bored or your human needs oxygen and someone calls an ambulance.

And don’t forget to bring home as much sand as you can hide about your person and distribute it key places like chairs, beds, slippers etc. If you manage to get some in your human’s dinner then you’ve aced the beach. Well done.

Ciao for now.

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