Hi, I’m Elvis, the handsome chap in the photograph. I’m a Labradoodle, I’m three and three-quarters and a bit, and I live in Scotland with my human. And I’m devastatingly handsome – I can’t stress that enough. My human is an artist. She slaps paint on flat boards and makes weird-looking stuff, that’s all I can say. She’s also a writer and her books are about a dead serial killer and a talking Glaswegian dog. I’m keeping an eye on the gin bottle…
Anyway, I’m here to give you the benefit of my experience with humans. I may be young but I’ve been around the block a few times. Literally, on walkies. But I know a thing or two and I want to help you have more fun in life. I’m not saying your human will share this fun but that’s unimportant.
My human is a vegetarian, which is selfish and inconsiderate and very annoying. I mean, what self-respecting dog is going to try and mooch broccoli or Quorn chicken pieces, whatever they are; and I’m not entirely sure they’re chicken. So if, like me, your human has given absolutely no thought to your personal mooching preferences, what do you do?
Here’s your first clue: workmen.
In my experience workmen are rarely vegetarian and provide a good source of meat-based snacks to supplement your daily kibble. Keep an eye out. They don’t have to be your human’s workmen; every time you pass a large white van in the street have a sniff around, just in case.
My favourite workman was a chap who came to put flat stuff on the floor so I could roll my ball around easier. He introduced me to cheese ‘n’ onion crisps, which was a bonus, but the real joy happened at lunchtime. My human made him rolls and ham and set them out on a large plate on the sideboard. While she was nibbling her Miso gherkins, or whatever – I don’t take much notice, to be honest – the workman and I shared a companionable break together.
And then one of the rolls mysteriously disappeared.
The workman blamed me, but then he would, wouldn’t he?
That was the end of our bonding session, but not the end of his extra packet of crisps which I hid behind the sofa for later.
Read and learn, my friends. Read and learn.
Ciao for now.
PS – As if I wasn’t fabulous enough already, I’m also starring in Shut The Flock Up…