I’m still mystified by my human’s fascination for my poo and the fact that she collects it in specially-designed bags. How weird is that? I hope she’s not keeping it all in shoeboxes somewhere.

To liven up her life and give her more exercise, I have devised a game I like to call Poo Points. The game is played on any expanse of grass – the bigger the better – and is most effective when the grass hasn’t been cut for several weeks.

Here’s how I play:

I’m out walking with my human and we approach a large grassy area. I sniff about here and there along the path and then wander off, uninterested. Eventually, assuming nothing poo-related is going to happen, my human unclips my leash – and I’m off. I head straight to the furthest section of grass, slightly off-centre, and do my business. I can see her panic, fumble for one of her designer bags, and begin speed-walking down the path towards me.

Now the fun begins.

I finish and take off again.

My human is now frantically trying to focus on where she thinks my poo is. Her challenge is to find it. My challenge is to stop this happening or at least delay it as long as possible.

By the way, if you’ve ever watched a British TV show called The Cube you’ll know how difficult this type of thing is. (They don’t use poo – I don’t know why). In fact, I think my game should be part of army training procedures. I’d feel a lot happier about national security if I knew the commanding officer had found and bagged a poo under these conditions in fifteen seconds or less, wouldn’t you?

The longer your human takes, the more Poo Points you score. At thirty to forty seconds I usually rock up and dance around, trying to lure her further in the wrong direction. If you can manage it, a second poo at this point is a game-changer. It may be worth keeping a little bit back, as it were, for this purpose. You will find it possible to induce extreme emotional states in your human, especially if the grassy area is overlooked by a row of houses or teenagers at a bus stop.

If your human cries at any point, you have won.

This might also be the moment you discover your human can swear like a trooper. Tuck that away for future embarrassment potential and have a think about where to induce it: outside a primary school, perhaps, or at a church coffee morning. You take your chances where you can.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and score some Poo Points.

Ciao for now.

Elvis.

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